


I'm Not Gay

by Queen (ramble)



Category: Glee
Genre: Bullying, Canon Related, Childhood, Family Feels, Father-Son Relationship, Friendship, High School, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Kurtcedes - Freeform, Middle School, Minor Klaine, Pre-Canon, Pre-Series, References to Canon, Season 1, Season 2, Step-Brothers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 14:23:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2028351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramble/pseuds/Queen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were several times in Kurt's youth that he felt he had to lie about his sexuality, starting as young as five years old. Coming out his sophomore year might not have surprised anyone but it took a lot of personal growth to get to the point where he felt he could be himself. This fic documents several times when Kurt Hummel tried to convince people that he was, in fact, not gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Christmas Season 1999, Kindergarten - the time he lied to his mom

**Author's Note:**

> Brace yourselves for feels guys. This fic was originally a 5-and-1 sort of style (the five times and the time he didn't) but, as with Blood Makes Noise, it expanded on itself. The first chapter is the longest of them all, but it also involves baby Kurt and Christmas so I promise you will have cute overload. As well as a bit of angst that I know so many people love. But also a lot of fluffy cute.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing this!

So the Hummels were struggling with the whole Santa thing. The kids at school were really starting to talk about how he wasn't real. How could he possibly get to every single house in the world in one night? (Well, just the ones with kids. Still, that's a lot of kids.) What about the kids who had stayed up all night and never saw him? Or the older siblings who had ruined it for the kids? Or the kids who had never heard of Santa at all?

But their beautiful and very clever baby boy had it all figured out. It was just because they were growing up. Santa was for young kids. The really innocent ones. The ones who weren't old enough to have done anything really bad.

Of course Kurt believed he was still one of the innocent ones. He came up with this theory because all of the kids saying Santa wasn't real were ones who pulled hair or acted up in class or got bad grades or tripped other kids on the playground on purpose or stole lunch money. What Burt and Elizabeth didn't know was that Kurt was regularly the recipient of those attacks. The boys didn't like him much because he always wanted to 'girlify' their games. So Kurt had decided he wanted to play with the girls. They had better toys anyway.

All his parents knew was that he was very popular with the ladies. He was always getting invites to all their parties and even to some of their sleep overs. Since they were just five and six some of the parents were quite ok with having their houses be co-ed, especially because Kurt made such a good impression on them all. He really was a very well behaved little boy.

Meanwhile, Burt had a brilliant idea on how to figure out what Kurt wanted for Christmas without needing him to write a letter to the jolly man in red. Especially when, despite having fairly decipherable handwriting and spelling, Kurt fully believed that he didn't need to do that this year because of something someone else had said. That being that Santa always just knew what kids wanted. Like magic. Of course he'd decided to believe in that rumor. It had explained to his curious little five and a half year old mind how Santa always knew what kids who couldn't write wanted. So Burt had taken his family to the local Toys R' Us to let Kurt check out the toys. Then he and his wife would come back later and grab the things that interested the boy the most.

The big problem with all of this was that as soon as they'd stepped foot in the store the boy had run off for the Barbie aisle. "Dolls?" Burt gasped. Dolls. His [i]son[/i] had gone right for the dolls. It wasn't the first time that this had happened, technically, but Kurt had been happy enough with the Legos and action figures he'd been given before. Burt had clearly told his son that action figures were men's dolls. To keep him from doing just what he was up to now. It had been working. Apparently it wasn't anymore.

"Calm down, he's fine. Let him have his fun. Remember, we're here to find out what sort of things he likes." Elizabeth planted a kiss on her husband's cheek before following the boy. Kurt was straining to grab as many prince dolls as he could. Several had already fallen to the ground next to him but there was one in particular he was reaching for. "What do you have there sweetie?"

"Aladdin." As soon as he got the doll he deposited himself on the floor, right in the middle of all the other princes. Burt started to reach to pull him back up but then Elizabeth joined him. It was a lost cause with those two.

"Wow, they look nice."

"What's Belle's prince's name?"

"That is a very good question sweetie. What do you think his name should be?" Kurt paused, his eyes drifting up to look over his dad. Burt held his hands up to show he had no idea either. Then a bright smile returned to their boy's face.

"Ernie."

"Ernie?"

"Uh-huh."

"Why Ernie?"

"Because then he could be Dad's best friend and we could go to all their parties and dance [i]all[/i] night." Burt couldn't help but laugh. His son was the cutest child on the face of this earth and no one could ever convince him otherwise. So he joined his family down on the floor. He didn't care if people stared.

"So what were you thinking about asking Santa for?" Kurt held Aladdin up to his mom. "Aladdin?"

"I'd really like the real one but I know that's not possible." He clutched the box tight to his chest.

"Why do you want the real Aladdin?" She wrapped her arm around him and let the boy scoot over and snuggle against her side. Burt tried not to squirm too much. He was not buying dolls for his son. He considered himself to be very open minded about all of this. Kurt was just curious, just exploring, testing his limits, figuring out who he was. Not to mention all the time he spent with girls. Burt would have been a lot more comfortable if this process had taken him over to see all the new Star Wars toys that had just been released for the new movie. That's where all the other little boys were. This part of the store was full of tiny girls squealing and begging for a princess dress. At least Kurt was just looking at the princes.

"Beeecaauuuuse, uhm, I want to ride on his magic carpet with him. And we'll go to New York."

"What about going with Han Solo?" Burt asked.

"Who?" Kurt responded.

"The guy with the giant teddy bear for a best friend. They have a space ship."

"Space ships are boring. If we take a magic carpet we'll have the wind in our hair. And when we get to Broadway we can just roll Carpet up and take him in with us."

"What do you plan to do in New York?" Elizabeth asked, drawing his attention back to the matter at hand.

"Watch musicals on Broadway!"

"Oh! That sounds so lovely Kurt! What show do you want to see?"

"Uhhhhmmmmmm. Lion King. And the phantom!"

"The phantom! Are you sure you won't get nightmares?"

"If I do Aladdin will be there to make them better. Then you don't have to worry either because he'll take care of me."

"What else are you going to do in New York? Besides see musicals."

"We will go ice skating and we'll curl up and sing Christmas carols under the big tree while we drink hot cocoa."

"What about Princess Jasmine?" His face scrunched up at that question.

"I'll be Princess Jasmine." Burt tensed up. He'd heard about things like this. Boys wishing they were girls. He took the toy from his son and pretended he was looking it over. He mostly just wanted to get it away from him. Of course he wouldn't admit it out loud, but he was scared of all the images he remembered on TV. They weren't pretty and there was no way those people had happy lives. Weren't they all dying too? That wasn't the kind of future he wanted for his son.

"Why do you want to be Jasmine?"

"Well, I don't. I want to go on adventures with Aladdin. It'd be just us."

"Jasmine would get in the way?" Kurt nodded.

"It'd be better that way, if he broke up with her. He wouldn't have time for her if he was with me." Elizabeth kissed the boy on the head as she giggled.

"Would he be your boyfriend?" Kurt started to nod but his movements were cut off.

"He just looks up to Aladdin," Burt interrupted. "Right son? You look up to him, want to be like him." Kurt looked completely lost in thought for a moment before nodding. His wife shot him a dark look. "What?"

"I want to be like him. Especially when he sings. I like it when he sings."

"See? Kurt still wants to be a singing adventuring hero and Aladdin is a good singer. He could learn a lot from him."

"Are you sure sweetie?" the woman crooned gently, brushing her fingers through Kurt's hair. "It's ok, whatever you say is ok. I promise." Burt felt his heart aching. He'd done it again. He'd promised he wouldn't judge but his upbringing was rearing its ugly head again.

"Right, you're ok no matter what you want," he echoed. He needed to get over that. For his son. He loved Kurt with all his heart. He would not raise his son in a hostile environment. He would not be the cause of that hostility.

"I want to sing like Aladdin," Kurt reinforced as he nudged the other toys away.

"I think I saw a toy at the end of one of the aisles that has A Whole New World recorded on it." Elizabeth's glare softened. "I know its a bit early, but why don't we get you a Christmas present today? I'm sure Santa wouldn't mind a lighter load."

"Really?" Kurt leapt over and attached to his dad. "I love you Dad!"

"I love you too Kurt. Now, why don't you go find that toy, huh? We'll clean up here." He bolted.

"Burt," Elizabeth whispered.

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Why do you keep doing that?"

"I don't mean to."

"You have to stop. I know you heard that lie. I know you know he was lying."

"I just...whenever he does stuff like that, I can't help but think, what if he's one of those kids that thinks he's, I dunno, a girl or something?"

"So what if he is a girl? Its not our place to tell him who he is inside."

"But just think about what everyone else will think, they'll think we're awful parents-"

"What matters more to you? Them, or him?" Burt started picking up the dolls. "Tell me Burt."

"Kurt." She let out a little humph as she pulled some of the toys close. "Careful, please take it easy."

"I'm fine. Sweetie, you need to work on this. You aren't going to change him. All you're doing when you say things like that or cut him off or tell him what to think is making him afraid of himself. And afraid to trust us." She took a deep breath. "What do you leave to your child when you're dead?"

"Elizabeth don't-"

"Only whatever you put in their head." She glanced to him. "I know you know that song. I sing it often enough."

"Please, I don't want to think about things like that right now."

"Even if this isn't cancer, no matter if I have six months or a hundred years left to live, he's going to outlive us Burt. That's my goal. That he has a longer life than we do. And someday he'll be on his own, and no matter how many pictures we take or videos we make the only thing he'll truly have with him at all times is the lessons we taught him. And I want him to know that he is safe, and loved, and beautiful just the way he is. Or she. If he is a girl. But I think we'd know by now if he was."

"I love him Elizabeth."

"I know you do."

"I don't want to see him hurt."

"He's going to hurt no matter what, eventually. What's important is that it isn't us that's causing the pain. Please, stop trying to change him." Burt took in a very deep breath. "He needs to feel safe with us."

"Ok. Ok, I promise. No more talk about Star Wars or cars or football or baseball games. Unless he wants to. But if he ever asks then-"

"Then you can do those things with him. But we know right now he doesn't like any of those things. He likes music, dancing, and you know what else he loves?"

"What?"

"He loves his daddy. And he looks up to you. And he pays attention and listens to you."

"Oh yes, he listens so well. Kurt, clean your room! No Daddy I'm still playing. He's not even a teenager yet and he already thinks he runs the house."

"You know what I mean Burt." She pecked him lightly on the lips. "You're his biggest role model. I'd even say you're his hero. He needs your support and unending admiration."

"We're gonna give him a big head."

"As long as he loves himself I don't care how big his head is."

"You won't be saying that when he's sixteen."

"Yes I will. All teenagers are brats. We were. Then they all grow up. We're here to make sure ours loves who he is so he knows its ok when he says no and…"

"And?"

"And when it comes time for him to settle down, with a woman _or_ a man and _as_ a man or a woman, he'll make sure its with someone who respects him as much as we always did."

"Right, that's a very good point too." He kissed his wife. "As always, you're right. I won't do it again." Kurt came running back, poking the button over and over again as he sang along. Elizabeth took his hand and sang Aladdin's part to him proudly. He had no qualms singing Jasmine's part. And he was so damn good at it.

Burt fished out the money for him to pay for it himself. No matter what he was going to support Kurt. Even if the kid was strange, even if they didn't have much in common, no matter what he was going to be there for his boy.


	2. Spring 2005, Fifth grade - the time he lied to himself

"I'm taking Quinn Fabray to see Holes," one of the boys in their group announced. Kurt froze. They were in fifth grade. Wasn't that too soon for dating? Girls were supposed to have cooties still. He wasn't ready for this.

"You should go see a horror movie instead," Noah Pukerman laughed out. This couldn't be happening.

"Those are all rated R you idiot." He so wasn't ready for this.

"That's why you buy the ticket then go sneak in. Girls can't handle horror movies. She'll need a superhero to protect her from the monsters. So she'll turn to you. And BAM she's yours forever."

"Why go to the movies?" Kurt asked them. "Why not go get ice cream."

"It's too cold out," the boy told him.

"Your parents are letting you go by yourself?" Finn asked a bit more cautiously. "I wish my mom would let me go out with a girl."

"Who would _you_ take?" Noah questioned.

"Uhm. I don't know."

"Well you can't have Quinn she's mine," the first boy insisted. Kurt didn't even know his name. He didn't hang out with these kids regularly.

"Shouldn't we be working on our math?" he tried. He was ignored.

" _I_ would take Rachel," Noah asserted. "I hear her dad has a lot of money or something so I bet she could pay for us to go to Cedar Point."

"You realize the boy always has to pay right?" Finn told him.

"Guys, math?" Kurt tried again.

"Shut up Hummel," Noah commanded. "We're having a men-only talk right now. If you want to do something else you can go sit with the girls. Miss Hummel."

"I'm not a girl!"

"You sure sound like one."

"Hey Noah, we'll get in trouble if we don't do our work," the original boy said. At least Kurt had an ally.

"What, are you a girl too Dave?"

"What? No! Ew. I'm nothing like Hummel. _I_ have a girlfriend. I'm not secretly a girl." A sort of ally.

"Well I'm going to have one!" Kurt asserted.

"Oh really?" Noah laughed.

"Uh-huh. After school. I'm going to ask Brittany out on a date." He picked her because she was a blonde that a lot of the boys talked about. Second most, after Quinn. Blondes were really popular for some reason. Kurt didn't really feel any interest for any girls so he was just going off what he learned from watching the other boys. And Brittany would definitely get him some credit around here.

"You like Brittany?"

"Yep. I really like her."

"Please. You don't stand a chance. She likes _men_."

"You've never talked to her," Dave stated flatly.

"Well I just know. In fact I'm going to ask her. After class."

"Well I'm going to ask her right now," Kurt said. The teacher had stepped out anyway. He bolted over to her table. He could do this. He could like girls. After all there wasn't all that much to it. Just pick someone cute and take them to the movies. Hold hands or something. He wasn't supposed to be kissing yet anyway right? He definitely didn't want to kiss anyone. His mom had always told him that kisses were special and only supposed to be shared with someone he shared a special connection with. Like the bond she'd had with Dad. He didn't feel even the possibility for that bond with any of the girls he knew.

He did enjoy talking about fashion with Mercedes sometimes. She always had the latest magazines that his dad wouldn't buy him. Then again his dad didn't buy any magazine that wasn't all about cars. Those were the only practical magazines. Maybe he could like Mercedes. They had something in common at least.

"Hi Kurt!" the little blonde girl greeted. "Did your sevens declare war on your twos too?"

"Uhm, no, I don't think so." He tugged on the collar of his shirt. "Brittany would you like to go see a movie Friday? I'll have to ask my dad but it could be fun."

"Which movie?"

"Holes?"

"Ok! Just so long as we don't spoil the ending for Madame Tubbington. She might be having kittens and it might upset her." That had actually been completely painless. He felt a smile growing on his face. There. That was proof. He was just like every other boy in this school.

Kurt reported this very proudly to his dad that evening. Burt nearly dropped the plate he'd had in his hand. "A date?" he asked cautiously. "With a girl?"

"Please dad? It's just the movies."

"Do ah, do you like this girl?"

"Yes." He had to like her. He had to be normal.

"Ok, alright. This is a big responsibility Kurt. I'm trusting you to behave. And don't talk to any strangers. Stay with her at all times if you can. I mean don't follow her into the bathroom but try not to get caught alone anywhere. I'll be waiting outside as soon as the movie ends."

"Yes Dad." Kurt could do this. He was normal.


	3. Spring 2006, Sixth grade - the time he lied to his dad

So it wasn't Broadway. Burt couldn't get Kurt there. They were on a bit of a budget this year. Granted it would probably be easier if he wasn't spending the money to spoil his son in other ways. He just had a hard time saying no about the little things Kurt wanted. His son's smile was worth it. Though it did mean they had to go to Cleveland instead of New York. Burt swore he'd save up for it. Maybe for Kurt's sweet sixteen. Maybe graduation. But they'd go. He'd get his son to New York one day one way or another.

For now they had to substitute with the posters they'd picked up. There was a beautiful skyline poster with the two lights for the two towers that they had already taped above his bed and now the kid was going to work making sure his new Phantom of the Opera poster was perfectly straight.

"So, let me get this right, it's not an opera."

"No, it's about an opera house."

"Ok. I guess that makes sense."

"You know what I really want to see?"

"What?"

"Wicked."

"What's it about?"

"The wicked witch of the west, it's her story. I got the soundtrack with my allowance." He pointed over to where the CD case was sitting open on his nightstand.

"Oh! So that's what you've been singing all week."

"Yep."

"You sound like you could be in that musical." The boy paused, then gave his dad a bright smile.

"I'm going to be. Just not yet. You kind of have to be in New York to be on Broadway. And I know you like it here. So we can stay here for a while longer."

"Why thank you Kurt." He was going to let his son keep his pride but he knew what the boy had prayed for every night, back before he'd stopped. He always wanted to go live in New York. Kurt was also well aware that they couldn't afford that. Even if they did own a company here in Lima that wasn't going to get them even a half decent place out there.

"There's lots of normal guys on Broadway," Kurt said suddenly as he finally settled the top corners of the poster into their final positions.

"Normal?"

"Uh-huh."

"What are you talking about Kurt?"

"The guys at school say only fags go to Broadway. I'm not a fag. But I'm going to be on Broadway." Burt felt his body fall to Kurt's bed. It took effort to keep himself sitting up. That word - _those words_ \- had not just come out of his precious child's mouth.

"Kurt sit down for a second."

"Is something wrong Dad?" The boy's eyes were so bright. There was so much innocence inside of them still. How had this happened?

 _'Elizabeth help me,'_ Burt pleaded in his thoughts. "No, no, I was just wondering if you knew what that word meant."

"Which word?"

"That F-word you just used."

"Of course I do!"

"Well, what does it mean?" Kurt froze.

"It means. Uhm. A person who's a fag isn't normal."

"Go on."

"A fag is a boy, not a girl. Who does something really bad."

"What does he do?"

"He wants to marry another man." Burt let all the wind out of his lungs. Kurt did know. He was so young. Sixth grade? Really? They knew that word already? Let alone what it meant! "But I'm not one of those guys. I'm normal."

"Kurt, listen to me. There's nothing bad about those men. Whatever the kids at school are saying, they're wrong. They're just fools that don't know what they're talking about. They probably heard it from their parents or some other adult that had no idea what they were talking about and now they're using it because they think it's ok, but it's not." He took his son by both his shoulders. This house, this home, this family. They had to be a safe place for Kurt to go. He had to understand that he was always safe here. To be whoever he really was. "Do you understand?" The boy's eyes shifted down to his knees.

"I guess so." There was a long and heavy pause. "But I'm still not one of them." Burt knew. In that moment he just knew. Kurt was gay. He was struggling with figuring that out and understanding what it meant to him but he was definitely gay. Sure Burt had wrestled with the thought ever since Kurt was three, but three year olds weren't sexual. Kurt was getting to an age where boys were starting to date. Hadn't he already taken a girl to the movies? That girl had given Burt hope that Kurt wouldn't have to face this but he was certain now.

"Well, son, just remember. You are just fine the way you are, whoever or whatever that is. And I will always love you." The boy reached out and hugged him tight. Burt buried his face in Kurt's hair.

"I'll buy you a big mansion when I'm rich and famous."

"Thank you Kurt. In advance."

"You're welcome. In advance." Kurt wanted so badly to be like the other boys. He didn't want to be different and to be singled out. But at the same time he wasn't willing to sacrifice his dreams just so they wouldn't call him queer. He'd show them. Straight guys got to Broadway too. They weren't going to decide who he was for him.

He couldn't wait to watch them eat their words when he came back to Lima and was asked to lead a parade or something just because he was so awesome.


	4. Autumn 2006, Seventh grade - the time he lied to his dad's friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So another thing I love is the idea that Kurt is down with cars. They never say he isn't in the show, though they also never had him do anything but desk work when he was helping out around the garage (I'm holding onto a feeble dream that we'll still one day get him in coveralls as part of canon). Still I can't imagine he'd be as eager to please his dad as he always seems to be and have not tried to at least learn about cars. Especially during/before season one, which was the one season where he was willing to change himself to make his dad happier.

Thirteen was far too young for Kurt to have a job but he and Burt had struck a deal. Kurt wanted more money and there were only so many chores a boy his size could do. So he had brought the kid into the auto shop. He was going to trade money for 'work.' Like if Kurt went and got the guys coffee or if he just generally hung around and kept the customers happy. He was really good with people. Especially the younger kids or the ladies who came in by themselves. They loved it when he sang for them. Burt didn't say it too often, but he loved it too. Kurt had a talent.

Sometimes his boy would even peek over and they'd talk car stuff. All on his own. At least Burt was pretty sure none of the other guys were prompting him. Which meant that this was a miracle. Of course he wasn't getting his boy in a jumpsuit anytime soon but it was something they could bond over. There was so little they had in common. Some days it was like Burt was living with an alien in his house. He just wanted to spend time with his kid and he really didn't know how. Everything he usually tried left Kurt bored out of his skull, and everything Kurt liked left Burt bored or, worse, confused. If this was their connection then so be it. At least it was something Burt was an expert on.

"Ok, so, this one is the oil, I get that. That one's easy." Kurt pulled the oil and checked it like a pro.

"Good, good. You keep this up and I'll have to get you your own car the minute you get your permit. You'll be miles ahead of all the other kids."

"Really?" Burt glanced over, then ruffled that perfectly coifed hair. "Hey!"

"You need to get that out of your eyes if you're going to drive."

"I won't be able to drive for another three years."

"Gonna keep it like that till then huh?"

"Yes." Burt ruffled it again. Kurt started to fix the strands but he realized his hands were dirty. "Dad!"

"Tell me, which one's the - Heath! Hey!"

"Hey! Burt! My wife's car is making that noise again. I swear, I had nothing to do with it."

"Like hell you didn't. You've been trying to tinker around with things you don't understand and we both know it." Kurt put on a forced but firm smile. His dad's friends were just like his dad. Only they weren't his dad. Which meant he didn't really get along with them. "Alright, let's have a look at her."

"Hey Kurt, you getting into the family business?"

"Just trying to make some extra cash," the boy responded.

"What, for your clothing fund?" Kurt dropped his eyes to his shoes. He knew the guys looked at him funny sometimes. He didn't know why. Well, he guessed at why. Their clothes were all old, baggy, messy, covered in strange stains. He wore the classiest things he could get his hands on. They were different. In more ways than just appearance. It felt like everyone knew that. Just by looking at him. All of his secrets were just there written on his face. And it felt like everyone who looked at him was immediately judging him for what they saw there without ever giving him a chance.

"For my college fund."

"Aren't you a bit young for that?"

"Well I want to go to New York, and I know that costs a lot, so you can't ever really start too early."

"You're smart kid. When you go to college you should look into economics or whatever. It pays well and you'll be able to help your dad out with this place without getting your hands dirty. Not bad right?"

"Right."

"Hey Kurt, want to give me a hand with this one?" Burt said with a wave. Since Kurt had come over on his own accord to check out the car they'd been looking at before, he was hoping maybe Kurt would be ok with this one. The kid was, just not for the reasons Burt wanted him to be. Kurt scurried over and tucked his thumbs into his pockets. "Hear that?"

"It sounds like someone stuck something in it."

"Or just moved something to where it shouldn't be. Alright! You can shut it off now!" The worker who'd been sitting in the car killed the engine then went about his business. Burt leaned right in. Kurt found a towel to finally rub his hands off on. It wasn't perfect but it got some of the gross off.

"So, Kurt," Heath continued. "Meet any cute girls yet? I mean besides my daughter. You know Hannah's off limits."

"Of course," Kurt murmured. "Uhm, well there is this one girl, I guess I kind of like. She's really nice. I mean cute. We talk a lot sometimes." He spied his dad stealing glances. "It's nothing serious but I might ask her out. I think she really likes me." Burt tried not to hold his breath. Kurt had to figure himself out at his own pace. Or maybe he already had and this was just a cover. Burt couldn't be sure.

"No kiddin? Good going kid. Hey, if you plan on kissing, I definitely recommend keeping some mints on you. You know. Just in case. If things start seeming like they might go that direction then pop one in real quick, chat her up, and once it's gone go in for the kill."

"Don't you think Kurt's a bit young to be thinking about kissing?" Burt called from under the hood.

"What, he's thirteen now right?"

"Barely!"

"It's fine dad!" Kurt interrupted. "I'll keep that in mind, thank you Heath. But I really don't expect anything past hand holding until high school." He didn't want to hold any girl's hand. The middle school was all crazy for that stuff with kids hugging and stealing kisses in the halls, holding hands, passing notes and giggling, and really Kurt didn't want much to do with any of it. Mostly because he didn't want to do any of it with a girl. He was becoming more and more hyper aware each day that he wasn't opposed to a man's fingers locked between his. Two strong arms to hold him. He had tried to bury it but it just wouldn't go away. Just like when he was little he wanted a prince and didn't care even the slightest about the princesses.

"Aw, have a little fun! Break a few hearts. You're good looking so it won't be hard."

"Hey hey hey!" Burt straightened up and waved his finger at Heath. "Don't go telling my son to hurt anyone's heart."

"It's no harm, they're still kids. They need to date around a bit, get a feel for things. We did! That's how we knew what to do when we finally found the one, right?"

"I knew what to do when I found Elizabeth because I knew she was worth doing things right for. I'd probably have started dating her sooner if not for my stupidity. Why do we hang out again?"

"Cos I'm your best friend."

"Hm. Keeping filling Kurt's head up with crazy talk and I might have to fix that."

"Dad, it's fine," Kurt said again. "Mom always told me to respect the people I date and to expect the same from them."

"There, see?" Heath laughed. "He isn't having none of this. He's definitely Liz's kid." Burt let his hand brush over the back of his son's head. Kurt waved him off as he made a face. "Your wife is going to be one lucky lady Kurt Hummel."

"Yeah, really lucky."

"Luckiest person alive," Burt sighed. "Why don't you go clean up the office a bit. Wait until the bad air clears out of this place."

"You don't mean that," Heath laughed.

"Oh yes I do! Go on son, get going." Kurt shuffled away quickly. He only glanced back once. His ears caught some joke about keeping him from knocking someone up. No matter what he was feeling in his heart and soul, he knew he had to pretend to be normal. For his dad. Everyone expected so much from him. Take over the car shop, marry the perfect girl, have a perfect family. He didn't want any of it any more than he wanted to play football. But maybe he could pretend if it would make his dad's life better.

So far the taunts hadn't followed him outside of the middle school bathrooms. He knew he couldn't let his dad hear them. It was embarrassing. To be called a girl, a lady, to be told he was a fairy, messed up, not fit to be a man. Not fit to be his dad's son. His dad loved him. He couldn't let his dad down.

So he was going to keep pretending. On the outside. On the inside, maybe it would be ok for him to acknowledge his feelings. Understand them. Then when he went to New York - that wonderful perfect city where everyone could be themselves - he would finally be free.


	5. Spring 2007, Seventh Grade- the other time he lied to his dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (among other people)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Kurt and Mercedes as best friends and yeah I'm a bit bummed that we didn't get much of it outside of season one sooo there's some cute little middle school Kurtcedes here for everyone's enjoyment.
> 
> I do need to put a warning on the language the OC bully uses though.

"That is _genius_ thank you Kurt!" Mercedes Jones half squealed as she followed his lead in fixing her scarf so they couldn't get in trouble wearing them to class. "I'll have to keep that in mind for tomorrow."

"If you have any other questions, just ask. I've read the rulebook thoroughly. It's a little vague on what constitutes a distraction but that you have to gauge on a teacher-to-teacher basis anyway. And remember, the office always sides with the teachers. You can't ever take anything 'to a higher power' around here because you will lose no matter how right you are. So just keep an eye on their dispositions and stay on their good sides."

"Right." She gave him a hug before running off to catch the bus. Kurt crossed his arms and let a goofy smile settle on his face. He liked talking to her. She was the closest thing he had to a friend at this school. She also never questioned him. He could be himself when he was hanging out with her. He'd been hanging out with her more often during school hours lately. He never talked about boys but it was nice to be somewhat free. It left room for him to develop himself instead of his 'Straight Kurt' persona. That persona was dying a very painful death each and every day. Kurt couldn't deny his passion for fashion or that his voice wasn't dropping like the other boys' voices. And he really didn't want to.

After school he still went to his dad's shop. The guys seemed to get a kick out of it when he practiced his singing while cleaning up around the place. They were impressed with his vocal range (shocked and amused were probably better words for it but Kurt preferred to think they were amazed). He was working hard to keep it through puberty. Those high notes he could hit were a gift and he knew it.

Unfortunately not everyone saw it the same way.

"Aa-eeeeee!" a guy screeched as he crossed the parking lot. Apparently he was attempting to hit those high notes. Kurt crossed his arms firmly across his chest and kept his head high. He was going to ignore them. "C'mon Miss Hummel, why don't you sing for us some more, huh? Hurry before your balls drop!" A laugh. "Oh wait, they aren't going to because you _don't have any_."

He could see some of his classmates hanging out with this kid. Finn, Noah, and Dave. They were all on the middle school football team together. Noah was laughing along, slapping Dave on the back. Dave had his thumbs shoved in his pocket as he just stood there and did nothing. Well, the whole school knew he was a bit of a late bloomer. His voice hadn't properly deepened yet either. Finn tried to add a few comments in but they were really, really stupid. Clearly he wasn't cut out for any life involving speaking.

No one else joined in, though some girls stopped to watch. Cheerleaders. Where there were football players there would always be cheerleaders. Kurt rolled his eyes and fixed his hair. Not that it had been out of place to begin with. It did make him feel better though. His hair was something he was definitely in control of. He liked having control over something.

"What, not talking to us?" the older kid said as he gave Kurt a push. He purposely put a high pitch tone in his voice. "Little Lady Hummel thinks she's too good for us. Only person in this school good enough for her is Miss Piggy Fatness."

"Leave Mercedes alone!" Kurt snapped.

"If you love her so much why don't you marry her?" Puckerman snorted.

"Nah, he couldn't do that," the older kid retorted. "He doesn't like girls. He's a fag."

"I do too like girls!" Kurt insisted.

"Queer!"

"I'm not gay!"

"I bet you anything Mercedes is one of those trannies."

"A what?" Finn asked. Kurt had never heard that word either."

"Trannies are boys who want to cut their dicks off or girls who want to grow one. I bet Piggy Fatness is one of the ones that has a dick and that's why he likes her. Or should I say him?" A honk saved the day. Daddy Hummel had arrived. Kurt ducked around the boys. They didn't follow. Everyone knew you didn't mess with Mr. Burt Hummel.

"Hey Kurt, what's going on over there?" Burt said. He was trying to keep his voice even but he was watching those boys. He'd only watched for a few moments before honking. It was clear they'd been ganging up on Kurt. The cowards.

"Oh, nothing, really."

"That didn't look like nothing. Do I need to go talk to them?"

"No! No." That would make it worse. Having his daddy fight for him. They'd never leave him alone if that happened. "They uhm. They just found out that I like Mercedes. You know, the uhm...not to be mean but she's the bigger girl in my class? That's why they think it's so funny. Because she's bigger. They don't think she's pretty because she's not skinny and conventionally pretty. So they think it's weird that I have a really bad crush on her. But she's really nice and I think she's plenty pretty."

"How long have you had this crush?"

"Uhm. A couple weeks. We sang together in choir. We're both singing solos at the end of the year. In the same song, so I suppose it's more of a duet but we get to sing by ourselves and the teacher called it a solo. Anyway we started hanging out to practice and I really like spending time with her.."

"So how bad is this crush?" Burt was pulling out of the parking lot. He paused at the stop sign to glance to his son. Kurt's fingers were curling into the fabric covering his knees.

"Don't laugh."

"I'd never laugh at you Kurt."

"I might. Uhm, love her." Burt almost slammed on the pedal directly beneath his foot. It was a good thing he didn't. It was the gas pedal. He suppressed the grunt-gasp-snort-laugh that threatened to project itself out of his lungs.

"Love huh. You know that's a really strong emotion right? Hard to understand. Even most adults don't have it figured out." Had he been wrong? Maybe Kurt wasn't gay. Unless his son was explicitly lying to him. Burt tried not to let himself feel hurt by that. He remembered being a teen. He remembered how scared he was to tell his parents the particulars about his life - even the little stuff that really shouldn't have been a big deal. He'd definitely never had to deal with talking to his dad about being gay. Which, unfortunately, was probably one of the biggest deals a young teen could face.

"I know. But I also know who I am and how I feel." He just happened to be lying about who he was and how he felt. It had to be this way though. He felt like a freak here - he couldn't bring his father into his messes.

"Alright Kurt. Just watch yourself. Don't hurt her."

"I won't. I'm not like other boys. You taught me how women should be treated." Burt smiled and reached over to rub his son's shoulder.

"I have complete faith that you'll do what you know is right. And one more thing."

"What's that?"

"Take care of yourself too." Kurt paused for a long moment.

"I will."


	6. Summer 2007 - the time he lied to his extended family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kurt agrees to look at playboy magazines to keep his cover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Inappropriate jokes

"Cheers!" everyone said as they raised their glasses. Kurt didn't even know most of the people in this room. Aunt Mildred and Uncle Andy had visited once or twice sure but other than that he seriously had no idea who any of these so-called cousins were. Yet here they were. Celebrating someone's fiftieth wedding anniversary. Woo. Wedding anniversaries. Kurt set his water glass on the table and poked at his food.

He'd been stuck with some of the cousins he'd never met or even heard of down at the end of the 'teenager table.' There was a kid table too where the not-yet-teens had been placed. At least he wasn't there. He was the youngest teen in the family and he barely looked his age compared to the other hulking boys next to him. Of course their size was the only thing that gave them away. The nasty jokes they were coming up with made them sound very immature indeed. Some things about dead babies, other things about Hitler, and of course the ever popular rape jokes. Kurt set down his fork and pushed his plate aside. These people were disgusting.

At some point it turned to AIDS jokes. Something about a person with AIDS in a wheelchair being called Rolaids, which was at least generally inoffensive comparatively considering Rolaids was a medicine for heartburn. Then it took a turn for the unbearable. Apparently someone thought they had a real good one. Kurt's eyes focused on his knees.

"Ok, ok," the kid whispered. "There's these three fags, arright? An' they all decide they want to die. You know, kill themselves like all fags do. Well, the first one goes and jumps off a building. Real tall one. Prolly in New York since all fags wind up New York. Or California." Kurt bowed his head. He wanted to ask if they were really related to this guy. At this point if he opened his mouth all of the soda he'd been drinking would come back out. "Took 'em three weeks to scrape him off the ground. Second one jumped in front of a car. Took 'em two months to peel him off the bumper. Then the third one - and this is the gross part - he jumped out of a plane."

"How'd he jump out of a plane?" his brother said as he shoved him.

"I dunno it's not part of the joke!" He shoved back. Kurt scooted his chair over as the two shoved at each other. "Anyway he jumped out of a plane and landed on a flagpole. Took 'em two years to get the smile off of his face." His laughter was loud and revolting. Then he turned and grabbed Kurt by the shoulder and gave him a shake. "Funniest joke I've ever heard!"

"It's about people who killed themselves how is that funny?" Kurt mumbled. He got the joke. That didn't make it any more amusing.

"Aw, fags don't matter, they're all messed up anyway. Seriously, what kind of man would sleep with another man? Not a normal one that's for sure. It's downright disgusting. My dad says they should all go to prison. How can they see a guy and think 'I'd like to tap that,' but see a nice pair of tits and feel nothing? It's not right."

"Hey!" came from across the room. "What're you boys talking about over there?"

"Hot chicks!" the boy responded. Kurt glanced around and caught his father's eyes. He wanted to go home. Now. But Burt had said they wouldn't see these relatives again for a long while and he'd talked all about how he missed his cousin Charles or something like that so Kurt put a big smile on and gave him a huge thumbs up.

"Keep it classy!"

"Sorry Dad!" The guy leaned in to conspire. "I've got some playboy magazines in my truck. Who wants to go out and look at 'em?" Some of the boys smiled, the girls rolled their eyes and walked away. Kurt tried to join them. "Hey hey where you going Kurt? That was your name right?"

"That's my name," he responded. "I wanted to ask my dad something."

"Come on, save it for later. Trust me, these chicks are the hottest you'll ever see, I promise. No one will ever compare. Have you ever even seen a naked lady?" The teen leaned back to look him over. "You don't look it. Once you see your first naked girl you become a man and you don't dress like any man I've ever seen. Y'kinda dress like-"

"I'm not gay." That came out of nowhere, a reflex mostly. Kurt had learned that was how these conversations mostly went. Imply he was less than a man, call him fag or queer, bully him for a while. Not today. He was going to cut them off at the pass.

"Woah there, no one said you were. Hey, come on, let's go have a look see. We'll show you what it means to be a man. Just don't tell your dad. Parents, they don't understand. They like to act like they didn't do this too when they were our age."

"No thanks, I really need to talk to my dad right now."

"Aw, c'mon. There's some real hot blondes."

"Hey don't mess with his head," another scolded. "You know its the brunettes that are really hot."

"Are you crazy?" The boys immediately dissolved into debating if blondes, brunettes, or redheads were hotter. Kurt bit his tongue to keep from adding that the hair didn't matter nearly so much as the eyes. Especially because the eyes on his mind were very deep and very, very male. Definitely not the kind that would be found in Playboy.

His attention drifted over towards the adults. Someone had said something about how disgusting it was that some states were considering letting 'those homos' enter something that even resembled marriage - civil unions. How it wasn't right, how those kinds of relationships destroyed the sanctity of a real one. Why did this topic follow him everywhere? It felt like every time he stepped into a room suddenly it became the all-gay-all-the-time talk show. Maybe he was just hypersensitive. He was just used to hearing it so that was what he was hearing around him. Why couldn't they just talk about the weather like normal strangers though?

"It's sick is what it is. What if they start turning our kids gay?"

"It's not a contagious disease," Burt grumbled at them.

"Well they certainly aren't born that way! It's not natural." Kurt saw his father look right at him. He looked away.

"Can you keep it down? The kids don't need to hear this." The other guys started to settle themselves down. For the good of the kids. Kurt stole another glance at his father. Burt was still watching him. It gave the boy shivers. It was like his dad knew something he wasn't letting on. He was almost grateful when one of the giant teens started poking at his arms.

"What are you, five? Have you even hit puberty?" The kid poked at Kurt's arms and shoulders. "Alright, scratch the playboy run. We're getting my football out and teaching this kid how to play. He needs some muscles on his bones. Seriously, you look like a little girl!"

"I really don't want to play football."

"Keep talking like that and people might think you really are gay. What, do you like dancing and musicals too?" This guy was a cliche. But he was also a relative. Kurt looked to his father one last time. He wasn't going to bring his dad shame. Especially not here.

"No, of course not. And...for your information, I have."

"Have what."

"Seen a naked girl before."

"Oh really?"

"Uh-huh. My girlfriend." He shrugged. They'd never know he didn't have one. They were going back to whatever weird world they'd come from in a few hours. And he and his dad were going back to Lima. They'd never have to meet again, likely as not. "She's real hot."

"Woah-ho! So you're a secret stud?"

"What can I say? They like the innocent boy look. I guess they're fed up with all the bad boys. They want someone who'll look after them. Respect them." Lies lies lies. He was so sick of lying. At least he wasn't entirely lying about the girls liking him. Some girls felt safe talking to him about the most random things. And he had accidentally stumbled in on a girl changing into her choir outfit at the end of last year. While she hadn't been completely naked she also hadn't been completely clothed. He didn't stick around long enough to see who it was but he was more sure than ever that girls just weren't that appealing.

"Ohio girls must be weird."

"Maybe they just want to feel like they matter. Like they aren't going to be judged or treated poorly for who they are."

"Whatever. Now you _really_ sound like a homo."

"I'm not! I'm just repeating what my mom taught me."

"Mama's boy?"

"Mom died years ago." It was manipulative but he'd seen these boys with their own moms. At least there was one thing his family had - they all seemed to care about their parents.

"Oh. Sorry. Eh, let's just go play some football." Kurt bit back a deep groan. He did not want to play football. He had two choices, apparently. Look at naked girls or play football. Which was worse? He reached up to make sure his hair was still in place. It was. He was wearing some of his best clothes today too. Kurt took a deep breath.

"Look, my dad doesn't want me getting my clothes dirty. They're kind of expensive. Besides, as hot as my girl is she's still just my age."

"Playboy it is," the kid's brother hissed as he took Kurt by the shoulders and pushed him towards the door. "We'll show you what real women look like kid." Kurt started building a character in his head. A straight teenage boy who was very into girls, who'd seen his girlfriend naked, and who totally fit in with the guys. This was going to be great acting practice.


	7. Spring 2008, Eighth grade - the time he lied to his bullies

Various members of high school sports teams were visiting McKinley Middle School to talk to the kids about joining. It was the whole speech - sports and clubs were great ways to get involved and looked spectacular on college resumes. Kurt wasn't really interested. He needed to practice his music. Maybe he'd join the high school choir - though he hadn't heard very many good things about it. Something about the instructor being extremely creepy. Just as long as they didn't expect him to talk about hot chicks, though, he'd be ok.

His dad was going to be a bit late that day so he just waited out beside the school. The place was dead within twenty minutes. Kurt had picked a corner he felt safe in. It was out of the way, people walking by might not even notice him. The middle school was too far from the shop to walk. He just needed to wait. So he sat down with his book and did just that.

He didn't know what was happening until the sharp scent was filling his nose and the warm liquid was streaking down his cheek. His shoulder was soaked. His book was soaked. He dropped it on the ground and leapt to his feet. Another one hit shortly after. Balloons. Filled with things he didn't even want to think about. "You nailed him!" the guy was shouting. He was one of the high schoolers. A junior, if Kurt remembered right. "You're gonna be great when you join the team next year you know that?" He glanced over to see the student patting one of his classmates on the back. There were five of them in all. The usual crowd. Finn, Noah, David, Azimio, and Matt. Apparently they were being scouted. And Kurt was the haze.

He jumped away from his stuff to defend it from getting stained by the revolting substance. He'd saved up his allowance for months to get that bag. He'd planned on taking it to high school with him because it went with pretty much everything. "Why are we doing this again?" one of them asked. Kurt didn't catch who. Not that it mattered.

"Why?" The older student snorted as he threw another. It clocked Kurt in the head as he turned to avoid it. At least he hadn't gotten it in the face. "When you're on the football team, you're the top of the food chain at McKinley. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, you're still the most important guys in school. You have to keep order, you understand? Keep things running normal-like. Make sure the sissy boys know their place. Let your guard down and next thing you know kids like him are hitting on you and then the entire school thinks you're a joke."

"I'm not gay!" Kurt shouted at them. That stopped the high schooler dead. Only for a moment. He turned and walked over. Kurt started to back away but the other boys were fanning out. Even if he ran he wasn't sure he could outrun them all.

"You aren't huh?"

"No. There's this girl I've been trying to ask out, for months now. Gay guys don't date girls." He'd been toying with the idea. Getting a girlfriend before he was expected to do more than go to the movies with her and buy her stuff once in a while. Then he could always cite her as proof of his straightness. Lots of people had bought his 'there's a girl I like' story before after all. This would just be one step further.

"What, you think you're some kind of stud?" Kurt shrugged, trying to keep his aloof demeanor. "I asked you a question sissy boy! Do you think you're a stud around here?" Kurt shrugged again.

"No one would date him," Noah offered up. "Everyone knows he's too much of a girl to give the girls what they need."

"That's exactly right." The guy poked Kurt's shoulder. The one that wasn't soaked with pee. "No matter how straight you pretend to be, you dress like a homo, you act like a homo, you _sound_ like a homo." He held one of the balloons up over Kurt's head. Kurt heard a little pop. Not an explosion. Just a little one. The kid had put a hole in it. Kurt felt a steady stream pour down on top of his head and streak down the sides. "Now you smell like a homo."

Kurt glanced to the other boys. They were all watching. Wide eyed. Taking it all in. "I'm not gay," he repeated.

"Just keep saying that."


	8. Autumn 2008, Ninth grade - the time he lied to his guidance counselor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who has requested a side-story, be sure to check out my two new quick-write oneshot fics Initiation and Immaculate and see if those answered your wishes :) Initiation is very short and talks about the time when the Hummel lawn furniture was nailed to the roof and Immaculate is a continuation of chapter 7 where his dad picks him up after the pee balloon incident in this universe.

This was not where Kurt had expected to spend his first day of high school. The football team (and future players) had pulled him aside and dumped him in here and shut the lid. It reeked. He was glad he'd skipped breakfast because he was liable to hurl. He'd also hit his head on something. The side maybe. It hurt.

The lid was surprisingly heavy. Or maybe Kurt was just weaker than he thought he was.

Kurt really wasn't sure how long he'd been in here but he'd already heard what he assumed was the homeroom bell. Maybe that meant everyone was inside. So Kurt tried again to get out. He kept slipping on the bags and he wasn't strong enough to lift himself up over the edge. It came up almost to his chest. "Is anyone out there?" he shouted. The stink of the garbage filled his mouth. Kurt banged on the metal once again. He couldn't be stuck here all day. What if no one ever found him? Trash truck drivers didn't check inside the things before they took them. He'd seen it before. Pick up didn't come until Thursdays though. That meant he had some time. Not much, but some.

One more time he braced himself on a less squishy trash bag and pushed up on the lid. "Oh my goodness!" a soft voice squealed. "There _is_ someone in there oh my are you ok? Here hold on. Oh. Uhm."

"Please, I need air!"

"Right." He watched the redhead pull out some sort of plastic gloves to put on before taking hold of the lid and lifting up. Kurt had enough space. He latched onto the edge and swung one leg over. His whole calf made it. Using the hook of his knee he managed to pull himself to straddle the edge, then he flipped his body out. His bag was still on the ground where he'd dropped it. At least they weren't thieves too.

"Thank you, thank you so much." He allowed himself to sit on the ground a moment and just appreciate the smells of Lima. They weren't the best but they were a far cry better than a closed dumpster. "How is there even that much trash on the first day of school?"

"There's been sports events going on for a few weeks already. Are you alright?"

"Yeah." He glanced up to her. She was clearly an adult. Maybe a substitute teacher who didn't have to be in for first period. "I'm sorry I'm late for class."

"Oh, please don't worry about that. You need to get cleaned up. There isn't much right now, just the leftovers from the locker rooms, but you might be able to find a change of clothes in the lost and found. And I'll write you a pass. You can shower before you go to your first class. Or second, if you need the time. Make sure you get completely clean."

"You don't have to tell me twice." Kurt lifted himself to his feet. "Can you carry my bag for me? I stuck my hands in something and I really don't want to get it all over my things." He watched as the lady took some disinfectants out of her bag to clean the shoulder strap before picking it up. High school just kept getting weirder.

"I'm Ms. Pillsbury, the school guidance counselor." Ok, so she wasn't a teacher. Good to know. "I haven't seen you before, are you a freshman?"

"Yeah. Kurt Hummel."

"Hummel, Hummel. You don't have any brothers or sisters do you?"

"No, my dad owns a car shop though. Maybe you know the name from that?"

"Oh, yes! They fixed my car last summer. Tell me Kurt, who did this to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Who threw you into the dumpster? You can tell me. I am sworn to keep the names of victims anonymous. I know it can be hard being different from the other students but that's no excuse for what they did. We'll do our best to take care of this."

"Victim?" Kurt really didn't like the sound of that. He wasn't a victim. Sure he was surviving something but he wasn't a victim.

"Yes, didn't they go after you because, you know?"

"I know what?"

"The way you dress, talk?"

"I'm not gay." Why did everyone always immediately assume he was gay? He was not the only well dressed man in school - even if he was the best dressed. Ok, he couldn't be sure of that anymore since he hadn't actually seen very many of the other students yet. But really there wasn't much competition from what he'd already seen. "I just have a naturally high voice. I always have. That's not my fault."

"Oh. I see." She fell silent for a moment as they headed towards the school. Kurt paused as they walked towards the front doors.

"Can we take a side door? Whichever one is closest to the locker room?"

"Unfortunately there's some new lockdown procedures. Everyone has to come through the front doors after the second bell. It's supposed to keep the school safer. You'll find out all about that at orientation tomorrow. There's a few new drills as well. Like what to do in the case of a shooter. They used to just lock the doors, but now you're supposed to get as far away from any windows as possible. Make the room look like no one is there."

"That makes me feel safer."

"I'm glad, that was the goal." She didn't catch his sarcasm. He tried not to breathe too deeply. His body smelled disgusting. "Can you tell me what really happened?"

"What?"

"With the dumpster. Who threw you in there?"

"No one threw me in. I just lost something important and I was trying to get it back."

"But how did the lid get shut?"

"I didn't realize someone was shutting it until it had slammed down. When I called for help no one heard me I guess." He could see she didn't believe him. At least she didn't press harder. Once they'd been cleared to enter the school she took him right to the lost and found. Of course she'd been completely right about the selections. Kurt was highly tempted to just wear his garbage clothes. There was a half decent t-shirt he settled on. All the shorts were girls shorts and there was no way he was going to wear those. He had enough trouble as it was.

"Kurt, my office is right up the hall, just over there, see? It's all glass so you can see if I'm in or not. You're always welcome to come in and talk to me no matter what, no matter the time. I can write you a pass whenever you need it. And I have pamphlets for just about everything you could need answers to."

"Thank you, but I think I'll be alright."

"But I am here in case you need me."

"I won't, but thank you."


	9. Fall 2009, Ninth grade - the time he lied to the girls (about why he was in their bathroom)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to the wiki, Kurt, Tina, Mercedes, and Rachel were all in Sandy's show choir. Now I'm not such an avid fan that I've watched every interview and behind the scenes information but I like that little tidbit and if people are interested I may write some things pertaining to it.

The second day of high school showed no signs of things getting better. He'd been thrown in the dumpster again. At least this time he heard one of the kids - Finn maybe, it had kind of sounded like him - saying they shouldn't close the lid. Because if Kurt was regularly late to classes the teachers would get suspicious and they could get caught. Maybe he wasn't such an idiot after all.

This time he'd been able to get out and get to homeroom on time. No one wanted to sit near him though. Orientation had been especially bad. People had made audible comments about the pig sty smell. So Kurt had gotten permission from his teacher to slip off to the bathroom and maybe be a tiny bit late for class. There hadn't really been any complaints from the adults. It wasn't until he'd tried to go to the boy's bathroom that some troubles cropped up in the form Dave, Azimio, and their now-senior and king of the roost football buddy.

The liquid was ice cold. Well, it was ice after all. Kurt felt like he'd been slapped in the face several dozen times. At least it wasn't pee. He kept reminding himself of that. At least he didn't have to go through the school day smelling like urine. It was a small comfort when the white on his shirt was already staining blue. "Looks like Miss Hummel can't read the signs!" The senior shoved him away from the bathroom. "These bathrooms are for real men only. But don't worry, we'll take care of you."

"Leave me alone," he grumbled. His eyes landed on Dave. Four years ago that kid had been the shortest in their class, a little bit shy too. He definitely wasn't shy any more and now he towered over Kurt. When his arms crossed like that Kurt actually believed he had the power to snap necks with his bare hands. A chill ran up Kurt's spine.

"Sure, we'll leave you alone. Just as long as you stay out of our bathrooms."

"It's the guys' bathroom!" He took a step back as the senior leaned towards him with his hands balled into fists. Dave and Azimio flanked the man.

"You want to fight, faggot?"

"I'm not gay!" The liquid of the slushie was melting off of his head. It ran down the sides of his neck and into his clothes, chilling his shoulders and his body. Tears threatened to well up in his eyes. But they weren't going to fall. He wouldn't cry. Not here, not with people watching. He was strong. He was a Hummel. He could handle this.

"Don't come into our bathrooms!" the senior insisted, giving him a push.

"I wouldn't want to share with the likes of you anyway! You probably pee on the walls!" With his head high and his shoulders tense Kurt Hummel turned and walked into the girls' bathroom without a glance back. He didn't even look to see the expressions on their faces. The door swished silently shut behind him.

Kurt didn't pause in his strides as he walked over to the only available sink and turned it on. Carefully he dipped his head to brush the chunks out of his hair swoop. There was a blue stain on his cheek where most of the mess had slid down his face.

The girls in the bathroom were staring. He could see them through the mirror. When his eyes landed on theirs they would turn away and act like they were just putting on makeup or fussing with their hair. All conversation had gone dead. Though Kurt was used to that even in the boys' bathrooms. Everyone was always checking to see if he was trying to check them out. He wanted to shout at them 'just because I could find you attractive doesn't mean I do' but he didn't. Over there he just kept insisting he was straight and therefore not interested in any of them at all so they could all just pee in peace..

A familiar face walked in. "Kurt?" Mercedes gasped. "What are you doing in here?"

"The boys' room smells something awful. They seriously don't understand good hygiene over there." He glanced over. She had red stains on her shirt. So she'd been slushied too. "Half the lights are out too. It's like a horror movie waiting to happen."

"You can't be in here Kurt, you're a boy."

"Don't worry I'm not checking anyone out. Not that I don't check girls out but this isn't exactly a good place to do that. Trust me, you ladies are all hot but I think we can all agree this isn't the most sexy place in the school." The girls started hurrying out as the warning bell sounded. Most of them were burying their giggles in the palms of their hands.

"I know you aren't, but you still can't be in here. I'm pretty sure there's a law about that." Kurt wetted a paper towel and dabbed at his shirt. At least now he smelled like sugary garbage. Despite how it sounded it was a slight improvement.

"I just want to freshen up and if I go into the guys' bathroom I think I'm much more likely to lose my breakfast. Which would make it worse."

"I can't deny you that." She let out a sigh and slipped into one of the stalls. "No peeking!"

"What are you doing?"

"I learned a long time ago that you should always keep a change of clothes in your locker." Oh. She was changing. Kurt focused on his own shirt, trying to scrub the stains from it. He spied some sort of white mystery goo on his hip where he'd fallen into a broken trash bag. And these were his favorite pants.

"Do you think I'll ever be able to wear my best clothes again?"

"Not during school hours. You just have to get used to it." She stepped out, completely new. Her slushied clothes found their way into her bag. "You didn't bring a change did you?"

"I didn't think of it."

"Well now you have, so don't forget to keep your locker stocked alright? Here, let me help you with your hair."

"I can't-"

"Don't worry I have extra hairspray in my locker." She was gentle as she pushed his head down to the sink, running her fingers through his hair to get all of the sticky substances out. "I guess this is our big welcome to high school. Never imagined it'd be like this. Are you joining the choir?"

"I've been thinking about it. I've heard weird things about the director. What about you?"

"Me too, but I still think I want to check it out anyway. Though it's a lot smaller than the middle school choir. Seems like people take art class around here to get that art credit they need."

"Not surprising. I heard all you have to do is make a macaroni painting to get an A in there." She wrapped a large stretch of paper towel from the dispenser around his head and pulled him up, careful to stop as many droplets as she could. "Do you think bringing a towel would be a good idea too?"

"That actually doesn't sound like a bad idea so why not." Kurt turned sideways in the mirror to inspect the damage. "It's not that bad pretty boy. With some strong stain remover most of this will come right out. And you better stock up on that. The guys around here hate it when anyone questions the norm."

"I'm not gay you know. I'm just very fashionable."

"I know. You've been telling people that since we were in fifth grade."

"I have to. People don't believe me."

"Well, I do. How about that?" They shared smiles. "Ok, do you trust my fashion sense?"

"Somewhat."

"Good enough. I'm going to slip over to the lost and found and see if there's anything you can wear today." She held out her hand lotion to him. "That'll help with the smell. You can take your shirt off and wash off, I won't tell. Just don't go taking your pants off or you really will get in trouble, I guarantee it."

"You know I never expected to learn how to take sink baths in high school."

"Remember what they said at orientation. You never expect what you'll learn here." The two burst out into laughter. "I'll help you if you want to keep using the girls' bathroom. People may say things here but at least they're much less likely to try to hurt you."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Besides it would be a shame to let all of your fabulous outfits go to waste."

"Please don't say fabulous that sounds so gay." At least now he was able to laugh about it. So he was still lying. Whatever. He had an ally. That was far more important. As long as he had an ally he would be ok.


	10. Autumn 2009, Tenth grade - the time he lied to his rival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've hit Glee-canon! This would take place during the third episode of the series. This also marks the almost-end of this little romp. I may not post the next chapter for a few days as I'm re-streaming season 1 and I found a lot of errors between this chapter and the show and I want to make sure there aren't others with the next one. I don't think there are but I want to be safe as this is a canon-compliant fic.

Rachel Berry was the most annoying girl Kurt had ever met. She was absolutely full of herself. Ok, yes, she had talent. So did he. So did Artie and Mercedes and Tina too. Even Finn though he couldn't dance. It sure was wonderful watching him though. Even the cheerleaders had talent though Kurt didn't like to think about them too much. He wasn't sure why they were there but he didn't like it. At least it was just the cheerleaders. They weren't so bad. Their worst weapons were words and Kurt had gotten used to those a long, long time ago.

Kurt settled down at the piano in the choir room over lunch. He wasn't really feeling like sitting in the cafeteria with everyone staring at him today. His fingers graced the ivories. It was so familiar and yet so foreign. He hadn't played in a while. Now he just had to decide what to sing.

It wasn't too hard. He delved right into Journey, Mr. Shue's favorite. Don't Stop Believing. Deep and heartfelt. He put his every muscle into every word. He knew he deserved a solo. "Workin' hard to get my fill, everybody wants a thrill. Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time." Then she had to join him.

"Some will in, some will lose."

"Some were born to sing the blues." He glanced briefly. He only faltered for a second. But they did sound beautiful when they sang together.

"Oh the movie never ends

It goes on and on and on and on.

Strangers waiting

Up and down the boulevard,

Their shadows searching

In the night.

Streetlight people

Livin' just to find emotion."

"Hidin' somewhere in the night!" Rachel had backed off. She let Kurt have that note. That beautiful, bombastic, 'look at me' note. Why? He didn't understand. It wasn't like her. She always wanted to be the star and have all the attention and she always got her way. His hands dropped from the keys.

"Why did you stop?" she stuttered.

"Oh I just. I don't know the next part." Rachel didn't look like she believed him but she didn't press the matter. He scooted so that she could join him on the bench.

"I didn't know you could play piano."

"I don't play much. But my mom taught me. A long time ago." They sat in silence for several long moments. Was this bonding? Kurt couldn't see Rachel bonding with him. They were rivals. In love as well as in glee it seemed. Though in both she was, of course, the clear winner. Mr. Shue favored her, Finn was most likely straight as a board, and for some reason those fits of hers always got her what she wanted. With everyone. Kurt knew if he tried the whiny fussy baby routine he'd get sent down to have a chat with Miss Pillsbury. As nice as the redhead was he wasn't a fan of talking to her. She always tried to pry his problems out of him and there was a reason he didn't like talking about those.

Of course she ruined the silence. "Don't think this changes anything."

"What is this anyway?"

"Exactly. We just sang a nice duet together, that's all. But don't expect your innate homesexual musical talents to land you the solos. I have worked very hard my entire life for this!"

"First of all, I've been working my whole life too just because my dad doesn't spoil me rotten doesn't mean I'm not just as hard a worker as you. Second, I'm a boy. Finn is my competition and lets face it Mr. Shue wants to stick to the typical duet style anyway and I am well aware that I don't exactly scream 'manly' but that leads me to the third point. I. Am not. Gay." That gave her complete pause. Her jaw dropped open as she looked him over. "Do I need to repeat myself?"

"No." Her voice was very quiet all of a sudden. "Are you sure you aren't gay?"

"Yes! I am probably the straightest guy in this whole school! I like girls! Hips and legs and all of that! Why can't people just get that through their thick heads!" He stood, waving his arms as he paced around the piano.

"Probably because you're more camp than either of my dads. And they're both pretty camp." And very much out and very, very proud of who they were. Rachel had always thought that Kurt was just as proud even if he didn't talk about it with people. He didn't talk about much of anything deep with anyone. All his conversations were about music, Broadway, fashion, who was dating who, and the last history test.

"Camp?"

"The clothes, the way you talk, walk, please Kurt. You're practically a one man pride parade. That's been set on rainbow fire. With glitter exploding from your mouth every time you open it." It took him a minute to process everything. The image in his head wasn't exactly a pretty one.

"I'm not gay! I know high school students just love their stereotypes but they need to get over it. I like fashion, I like dancing, I like music and musicals, and I am going to be on Broadway someday. But that doesn't mean I'm gay! What, do you like it when people say 'oh hey Rachel Berry we know she's jewish because of her big nose?' I really doubt it. Your nose doesn't make you who you are!"

"My nose isn't my choice!"

"And this isn't my choice either! This is who I am and I am not ashamed it!"

"Then why don't you start acting like it?" She wasn't buying his song and dance. Not for a moment.

"Because _I'm not gay_!" He would have ranted more but there was a sound from the doorway. It seemed they weren't the only people who had decided to stop in the choir room during lunch. Mercedes and Mr. Shue were watching him very closely. Mercedes strode over and took hold of his arm.

"Come on Kurt, we were supposed to have lunch together," she stated, giving Rachel an almost smug look as the boy took her hand and tucked it into the crook of his elbow. As they left he fixed his bangs. 

Rachel ran to find Tina.


	11. Spring 2009 - the time he finally stopped lying for good

He finally had everything he thought he'd wanted in middle school. His dad knew, his dad was ok with him, and better than that he had a girlfriend he could play straight with when he was around people he didn't trust. So what if they were both Cheerios and he hadn't denied his gayness in months. So what if he had only worn 'manly man' clothes for all of a few days at best. People weren't looking at him as funny anymore. Last time he'd ducked into the boys' bathroom no one had made him leave or had even hurried up to get their pants zipped and run. They'd thought he was just another guy. It was supposed to feel good.

It didn't feel good.

Mostly because of Brittany. She was a pretty girl, she really was. And he did like her as a friend. She was the absolute best Single Ladies back up dancer he had ever seen and Beyonce would be very jealous when Brittany was discovered one day. What he did to her was wrong.

Kurt Hummel had always promised his mother that he would never mistreat a girl. Well, his mom had always used the word partner, which helped him feel a little better about his past knowing she had probably known and accepted him even before he had any inklings that he was different from other boys. That didn't change the fact that he'd broken his promise to her. He had dated a girl just to use her to get to his dad. That was wrong. Very, very wrong. So he was going to set it right. And it was going to be the most painful thing he'd done in his whole life up to this point.

This was going to hurt more than dumpsters and slushies, more than the fear of being alone, more than the fear of his dad not loving him. He had finally found some form of safety in the school and he was giving it up. It wouldn't be hard to keep up the rouse, not really. Just be nice and hang out with Brittany. She really wasn't very bright. For all Kurt knew she would never understand the difference.

He fixed his scarf. He wasn't going to let his mother down.

"Hey Brittany we need to talk." She took his hand and rubbed the back of it. The girl was still fascinated with the softness.

"Was everything ok with your dad yesterday?"

"Oh, yeah, definitely. Well, it's ok now. We talked it out."

"That's good. He seems nice."

"He is. He means the world to me." Her smile was so gentle. If he liked girls he was sure he could probably get the trouble with her intelligence and take her on a nice, real date. Show her how real men treated their significant others. "Come on, I kind of want to talk somewhere private." Mostly he wanted to go back where this started. The choir room. He pulled his hand away and led her to the spot where she'd first offered to let him 'tap that.' This time he was going to do exactly what he should have done the moment she said such a thing.

"Are we going to sing?"

"Maybe. We do always sing about our feelings. But I didn't really have anything in mind today. I just want to talk this out."

"Ok." She folded her hands behind her back and offered him that smile again.

"Brittany, I'm really, really sorry."

"For what? Oh wait, is this about the moisturizer you got on my uniform? It's ok. We got it out."

"No, but I am sorry about that too." Mostly because of the questions it had raised at Cheerio practice. White stains didn't exactly have a good reputation. "I'm sorry for the last couple of days."

"You're confusing me."

"I know. Just hear me out, and try not to judge me. Though I'll understand if you're upset. See, Brittany, I have to break up with you."

"Were dating? I thought we were friends with benefits. And soft hands."

"Well, ok, maybe we aren't technically dating but the whole school thinks we are and in high school that's good enough. So I want to tell them we aren't. At least, not anymore. Is that ok?"

"Sure. Does this mean I can't hold your hand anymore?"

"I'm sorry. I'll still trade moisturizing secrets with you if you'd like. I really am curious as to how your lips are that soft. And the root beer?" She pulled out some children's chapstick. "Ah." He waved her off when it was offered to him.

"Why are we breaking up?"

"Because, and I'm really sorry for doing this to you, I don't like girls. You're really pretty and really nice and actually I didn't really mind kissing you but I can't give you what you need in a relationship. And you can't give me what I need. It was very wrong of me to lead you on in the first place. And I promise it has nothing to do with you. This is honestly just all about me."

"So you're gay again?" Kurt started to speak as other students started to file in. All in a neat row. His cheeks turned red as they shot him glances. Clearly people didn't exactly like that he was 'dating' Brittany. But they weren't saying anything. They just stood there and watched. And stared at them. It dawned on Kurt how weird the kids he hung out with were.

"I was never not gay," he told her.

"Then why are we dating...wait did we break up already, or are we still breaking up, and does that mean we're still dating until this conversation is over?"

"We aren't dating anymore Britt."

"Ok. So why _were_ we dating?" Kurt looked over the line of teenagers plus one Mr. Shue. He folded his hands firmly in front of his body.

"Because." He shifted his weight. A sensible voice inside his head told him it'd be wise to just save this for later. The future Broadway star in him demanded that he suck it up and finish. The audience could always leave if they had a problem here. His eyes shifted and locked on Brittany's. It was just the two of them. "I wanted to try being straight."

"Like how some girls try kissing other girls sometimes?"

"...Yeah, I guess you could say it's kind of like that."

"And you didn't like it?"

"Actually quite the opposite. I've never felt more normal. And you are a really good kisser, and an even better girlfriend." When she smiled, he found himself smiling in return. "It felt really good to just be another face in the crowd. But let's face it, that's not me. And I would take every slushie facial, dumpster toss, all of it, to be myself. So what if I'm gay." He raised his shoulders and hoped no one could see them shaking. "And good at fashion, performing, and fixing cars. I'm proud of who I am. There's only one person in this world I'd change for and...and he doesn't want me to change." For a moment he glanced towards Finn, but it was quick and he made sure his eyes swept over the rest of the students too. He wasn't the 'perfect son' for a man like his father. But he was the perfect son for his father.

"I'm happy for you." Brittany wrapped her arms around him. He hugged her back. Mercedes slipped over to hug him too and as she did so he caught Puck and Santana rolling their eyes. Rachel, interestingly enough, sent him a wink. Well, she did have two gay dads. She had to know of the struggle even if she hadn't lived it herself. Mr. Shue slipped over to give him a pat on the back.

"I don't suppose you want to reconsider your song choice for this week?" the teacher whispered.

"Actually, no, I'm ok with the songs I sang."

"Songs?"

"Yep. You missed the second one. Sorry about that."

"Just as long as you're you again. That's what counts." He gave Kurt a nudge towards the rest of the group. "All right New Directions I have a song I want us to try out!"


	12. Bonus: Autumn 2010 - The day Finn Hudson apologized for everything he'd done to his brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the first bonus chapter! After writing so much downer stuff about some of our beloved characters (Finn in particular) I wanted to write something a bit more heart-warming. It's basically a continuation of the universe set up here and since Finn was always a bit of a knight, even if he didn't really have his bearings until after the worst had passed for Kurt, I thought it'd be really good to have some brother bonding. Also I love them as brothers. So there's that too.

The uniform was pressed perfectly and stretched out on Kurt's bed. At least it was rather fashionable. There was no room for customization though. That was troublesome. Kurt ran his fingers over the silken tie. Maybe he had some small pins around his room somewhere that he could attach to the end of it. They'd be his little secret.

"Hey bro," Finn said as he knocked once on the doorframe.

"Hey." Kurt pulled the clothes up and put them somewhere safe so he could sleep. "Seems like an awful lot of money to make sure everyone looks exactly the same. I think my entire wardrobe put together costs half as much as this uniform."

"It's not just the uniform. Its. Its your life. That's worth it." Finn sunk onto his bed. Kurt tried to keep himself busy.

"You know, I'm actually more scared to leave."

"Really? Because you can stay. We'll protect you. Keep by you at all times." The offer hung in the air for a few moments.

"It's a different kind of scared. New place, new people. I mean I've already made friends with Blaine but he's one guy. In a school full of guys. Apparently all straight too." Except Blaine. Kurt wouldn't mind something happening there but he was trying very hard not to get his hopes up. He'd resigned himself months ago to being alone until college or later. Marriage by thirty though, that was his goal. "I don't exactly have a good track record with hanging out with straight guys and just fitting in with them. I'm still going to be a freak."

"You're not a freak." Finn caught the narrow-eyed glances he was receiving through the mirror. "Ok, maybe you're a bit weird. What? Don't give me that look!" Kurt's eyes softened. "You're going to do fine. I bet you even get a solo at competition now too. They're going to need someone like you if they're even going to be able to pretend that they can beat the New Directions."

"I don't want to betray you guys."

"Don't worry about us." Kurt fell to the other corner of his bed. "A no-tolerance bullying policy. That's great. Kind of really wish we had that here sometimes."

"They'd have to get rid of the slushie machine."

"And all the dumpsters." An awkward chuckle escaped both boys. "It's really sad that we had a routine."

"I prefer the routine. It kept all my best clothes from getting ruined by whatever mysterious nasty substances were in there that day."

"Kurt." Finn moved over to sit directly beside him and look right into his eyes."I am so sorry. For everything. I know it doesn't mean anything now but I just, I didn't get it back then. I knew they were hurting you but I didn't think it was that bad. They weren't leaving marks so I thought 'hey he can brush it off its not a big deal.' You never seemed all that bothered. Aside from the clothes. That's what I told myself - you were fine so everything was fine. But I knew it wasn't like that. I mean, I wasn't scared of them beating me up. I was just scared of them making fun of me. Of not, I mean…"

"Of not being popular anymore? I wouldn't know what that's like. I've never been popular."

"Sure you have. The glee kids, they love you. You're the me of glee." Kurt turned his head to look Finn over. Apparently his brother was serious about this.

"That's why no one noticed."

"Everyone was just caught up in their own drama. That's how it works on the team too. If people paid attention to anyone but themselves we'd have all known Quinn was pregnant within a week. You do it too." The silence hung over them again.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For protecting my clothes I guess."

"Seriously?"

"Well, yeah. I mean that guy, remember him, the senior you hung out with freshman year? He was worse than Karofsky. But he couldn't really do anything about it. I remember you were the one that stopped him from escalating things. You stopped him from shutting the lid, from throwing me in the porta-potty after he'd used it, all of that."

"But I didn't stop him completely."

"You probably couldn't have. He would have just shifted you out of his group and then where would I be? I didn't know I had options back then. I was so scared. I thought I might not live to see my sixteenth birthday sometimes. But you were there. Looking back on it I can honestly say you have done the most of anyone to help me."

"Is that why you had a crush on me?"

"Part of it. There was also...Ok, don't think this is creepy because I'm completely over that, but you are extremely attractive Finn."

"That is a bit creepy. Considering everything."

"I'm over it. Completely. Honest. I was just really desperate for someone."

"And I was, what, available? Because I'm pretty sure I was dating Quinn. Or Rachel. Or Santana and Brittany, sort of. Or pining over Rachel."

"You were the one nice guy I knew who also happened to be attractive to me."

"Oooh, so Artie was totally never going to make your cut?"

"Hey hey! That is not what I said...He's nice looking, sure, but we don't really have enough in common and I just, I don't know. I like taller guys." Blaine wasn't a taller guy. But those eyes went on for miles. No. Kurt wasn't going to allow himself to feel like that. Especially not over some kid he'd just met.

"Right. I'm going to go back to talking about how much I suck now, alright?" Kurt pressed a hand to his mouth but the snorts still rolled out of his body. "You know what I mean!"

"Go on, keep talking, please!" Finn gave him a push. Kurt almost fell off the bed but his brother caught him. The look in his eyes stifled Kurt's laughter enough for the conversation to continue. This was serious. He needed to not be laughing at an accidental gay sex joke. The only reason it had gone that direction at all was because he was here anyway.

"Kurt, I don't know if I could have done more in the past, but I definitely can now. We're some of the older students, aside from the seniors people have to look up to us. Maybe Karofsky won't ever listen but the other kids might. I'm going to do everything I can, I promise, to make McKinley a safe enough place for you. No one is going to hurt my little brother."

"I'm older than you."

"You're still smaller than me. That counts for something right?"

"No."

"Well it means something to me. I want to help you Kurt. We're family now."

"That means something to me too...I always wanted a brother. A baby brother of course."

"I think I can live with that." Finn pulled him over for a hug. Kurt latched onto Finn and held tight. He tried to fight off the tears in his eyes.

"I don't want to go but I don't want to die."

"I'll make it right. I'll make it right I swear it. Until then, you take care of yourself. And do what you do, do it well, and if we lose to the Warblers hey, at least it'll be a fair fight right? They'll have you and we'll have Rachel and it will be a showdown for all of time. No one will forget it."

"Sounds exciting." Finn gave Kurt's back a firm pat before standing and smoothing out his pajamas. He was still dealing with the gay thing himself. But they were brothers now, through and through.


	13. Bonus 2: Spring 2011 - The Time Burt Had to Make a Stop at the Town Cemetery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story just didn't feel complete until I looped it back around to the beginning again. I wanted to add something with Burt on the end of the Furt bonus but that just felt intrusive. I also wanted to return to the song but that didn't really fit in either the last chapter or the other bonus.
> 
> So I give you the last chapter in this story, bringing it back to Elizabeth with a beautiful song about parenthood and children:
> 
> Children Will Listen from Into the Woods - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEfcKdJ-y0c

"I just need ten minutes, then we'll head right on home, alright kids?" Burt glanced into his rear-view mirror. Kurt's eyes were turned out the window, deeply focused on the passing gravestones as the car bounced along. Blaine's hand was tucked in his. Rachel looked like she was about to reach across the other boy to take his hand too. Finn was settled in the passenger seat trying to look like he wasn't the least bit bothered. "I owe him and its an emergency."

"It's alright Dad," Kurt whispered. Burt pulled the car to the stop right outside the curator's office. He vanished inside.

"You ok?" Rachel whispered.

"I'm fine." Finn turned around to look into his step-brother's eyes. "I'm fine."

"Do you want to uhm, go see her?" he asked quietly. Kurt stared at him. "I can go with you." Blaine started to speak but Rachel hit his shoulder. Finn watched her mouth form what he could only assume was the word 'mother.' Blaine's hand curled tighter around his boyfriend's. Kurt pulled his hand away and got out of the car. "Do you want me to?" The smaller teen nodded.

"Can I come too?" Blaine asked.

"Sure," Kurt replied. In moments all three of his companions were trailing after him as he walked the familiar path. Through the grass, through the trees. "I wish we had flowers."

"We can bring some back later," Rachel offered. She linked her arms with each of the boys that flanked her. Blaine wanted to hold Kurt's hand but he settled for hanging onto Kurt's best friend for the time being. It was clear the teen wanted to be separate from them. Just not alone. They stopped suddenly. The gravestone was nothing too extravagant. A beautiful rose-colored stone with an even more beautiful engraving.

"That sounds familiar," Blaine said as he read them over and over. "Children will look to you for which way to turn. To learn what to be. Careful before you say "Listen to me." What is it from?"

"Into the Woods," Kurt told him. "That was one of her favorite songs. Dad said she played it over and over and over before I was born. You know, like how some parents play Mozart." He motioned towards his own stomach as though that was supposed to explain it all.

"She played it for you," Rachel said. It was hard to keep the squeals out of her voice. The mere thought of it was adorable.

"Among others, yeah. I don't know if I like music as much as I do because of that but Dad says there wasn't a moment's peace for the entire seven months before I was born. You know, from the day she knew until my birthday. He said she was constantly playing music from all her favorites. But he heard that one the most. That he remembers anyway." He turned to look over his shoulder at them. Finn stepped forward before Blaine could even react, draping his arm over Kurt's shoulders. "He likes to joke sometimes about that being why I'm so into musicals. Since they've been with me since before I even knew my own parents."

"She sounds awesome," was what Finn had to offer. Blaine edged up to take Kurt's hand. Rachel looped around to stand on Finn's other side. After what felt like an eternity of complete silence, she made a decision. And she started singing.

"How do you say to your child in the night?

Nothing's all black, but then nothing's all white.

How do you say it will all be all right,

When you know that it might not be true?

What do you do?"

Kurt let out the breath he'd been holding. He tilted his head to rest it on Blaine's shoulder. There was the crunching of gravel behind them, but Kurt was the only one who seemed to hear it. Still he didn't turn around. Blaine joined his voice with Rachel's.

"Careful the things you say,

Children will listen.

Careful the things you do -

Children will see and learn.

Children may not obey, but children will listen.

Children will look to you for which way to turn,

To learn what to be.

Careful before you say "Listen to me,"

Children will listen."

Burt rested both his hands on Kurt's shoulders. Blaine was the first to notice him, then Finn and Rachel. Kurt broke free from his encasement of friends and stepped back to where he could hug his father. Much to his surprise, Burt was humming quietly along with the words.

"Careful the wish you make,

Wishes are children.

Careful the path they take,

Wishes come true, not free.

Careful the spell you cast

Not just on children.

Sometimes a spell may last

Past what you can see

And turn against you.

Careful the tale you tell,

That is the spell.

Children will listen."

Blaine and Rachel's voices dropped away. Burt wasn't just humming. He was whispering the words. To a beat. Maybe that was supposed to be singing. Suddenly the two of them felt quite intrusive.

"How do you say to a child who's in flight

"Don't slip away and I won't hold so tight"?

What can you say that no matter how slight

Won't be misunderstood."

Kurt joined. These words were the most familiar ones. He remembered all the times in his childhood when his mom would remind his dad of these words. He didn't understand it then. Three years of those words repeating and it was still a shock when he was eight. Burt's grip on his son tightened.

"What do you leave to your child when you're dead?

Only whatever you put in it's head.

Things that you're mother and father had said

Which were left to them too."

When Kurt's fingers curled around Blaine's, the other boy returned his voice to the song. Rachel, in turn, took that as her cue to sing with them. Finn didn't know all of the words, but some of the more repetitious ones were predictable enough.

"Careful the things you say

Children will listen.

Careful you do them too -

Children will see

And learn.

Guide them, but step away.

Children will glisten.

Tamper with what is true

And children will turn

If just to be free.

Careful before you say

"Listen to me."

Children will listen.

Children will listen.

Children will listen."

There was a heavy silence when the song ended. Burt cleared his throat. "Can we have a minute?" The other three were very quick to retreat. Blaine paused just a moment. His fingers brushed the top of the stone, then he let his hand brush over Kurt's shoulder as his passed. Kurt offered him a strong smile.

"She knew didn't she?"

"Oh yeah. Don't you remember when she got you all those Disney prince dolls, she let you play that whichever one was your favorite that day was your boyfriend?"

"...a little. I never even thought about that before actually."

"She always knew just how to make you smile." Kurt held his dad's arm tighter.

"I love you."

"I love you too Kurt."

"Do you think she'd like Blaine?"

"What, a dashing guy like him that spoils you rotten? You probably couldn't have found someone better if she'd made him for you herself. I think she'd especially love the way you two sing together. Anyone who makes you that happy and gets you to sing that much would definitely be just fine with her." Burt could feel his son standing up taller at his words. "She loved hearing you sing."

"We should probably get back. Carole's waiting, right?"

"Right." Burt slipped his arm down and held his hand out to his son. A comfortable breeze encased them. For the first time in seventeen years, Burt was completely sure beyond all doubt in the world that he was doing a good job as a father. He knew Elizabeth would have been proud. Their son was turning into a wonderful young man. And he knew that his family would always be there for him. Burt hadn't messed that up. Though there had been so many times when he was sure he had. Everything was just fine now.

Kurt took his hand so they could walk back to the car together.


End file.
